A Jukebox at The Diner Prequel: "Year of The Cat" Get Married or Die Hard
A retelling of the detective series inspired by the short story "Miss Jackson"
“You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.”
Previously on Year of The Cat…
Not even the world’s greatest wedding planner could have accounted for this.
“Hey Shotgun, could you put the new Jesse Dayton Sam Fish record on for me?” -Sara
“In the MVOJ, we call Soundtrack, not Shotgun.” -Jenny
Sara had been listening to it on her way to Austin. “Can you believe it, Robbie? Sam and Jesse finally made a record. They’re playing at The Mohawk next month!”
“Well damn, look what that one-month reduction for good behavior got us babe? We’re early for the party. Too bad we have to skip town beforehand. I take it we’ll be arrested if we show up right Detectives?” -Robbie
“Well, there’s a reason we’re sending you two to Mexico for your honeymoon. I suppose if that’s taken care of, and you SOMEHOW manage to not break anything including each other while you’re here, no harm no foul?” Detective Norberg was trying to be positive about the plan. She had her doubts.
“Ha! Good luck with that. These two are reincarnated medieval jousters.” Jana was sitting next to Captain Ed behind the seat of the van. Detective Norberg was driving, and Sinnie was following behind in the MVOJ.
“Oh, that was a fun game! I wonder if there’s a working version in town.” Captain Ed, aka George, which was his real name.
The dual black vans, one large, one mini, made for quite the wedding procession as it pulled out of the 8th St. Station parking lot. They could have walked.
“We should have walked.” Detective Rumack was looking in the passenger side mirror.
I don’t think it really would have mattered. What did matter was that after Jessie got Ole Betty out of the Harper’s Towing yard in Dripping Springs, she turned left off the frontage road one block too early on her way to The Mohawk.
“Robert, is that the old truck you were driving? The one pulling up beside us?”
Robert looked out the passenger cargo door and nodded. Seeing Jessie behind the wheel of Ole’ Betty bopping along to whatever she was listening to was quite a site.
“Ha, she’s wearing a dress!” -Robbie
“What’s that Robbie?” -Sara
“That’s Jessie, I gave her a ride to Vegas when I picked up that truck after getting out. She must have heard about the wedding on the news. How the hell did she get that truck?” -Robbie
Detective Rumack was about to ask where he picked her up when the truck pulled up at the stop light and honked. Jessie was motioning to roll the window down.
“Hi, Is Robbie in there? Can I come to the wedding? I saw it on the news, and he told me all about him and Sara on the ride he gave me to Vegas, I’d love to come if it’s ok with everyone! I’m Jessie. We haven’t been properly introduced, I’m sorry, where’s my manners, Detective.” -Jessie
It was the smile. The Detectives looked at each other for a moment and had an unspoken conversation, and that’s when Detective Rumack nodded back to Jessie and said “Meet you at the Mohawk”.
Jessie “woo hoo’d”, bouncing up and down in her seat.
The light turned green, and as Jessie pulled away she sang along with the song she cranked back up.
Sinnie honked at the Detectives.
“No one says a word to Sinnie” Detective Norberg ordered.
“Oh my god is that?!” Sara had seen the news of the Clown Family Robbersons
Robert smiled. “When the Sheriffs came for them at The Clown Motel, she was just a guest to me. It wasn’t until I saw her handle the gun in the glove box of that truck that I caught on.” -Jessie
“She’s armed?” Detective Rumack looked worried
“Did she ever fire a shot, Detectives?” Robbie already knew the answer.
Everyone heard Detective Norberg mumble “We’re getting too old for this shit.”
"Why do I feel like I’m in way more danger WITH y’all?” Sara, making sense of chaos, as always.
Jessie had pulled up to the barricades and was trying to explain to a patrol officer asking her to move along that she was part of the wedding party. He said “There’s nothing to see here.” which cracked up the detectives when Jessie mentioned it before the wedding. Detective Rumack exited the van and walked up to the driver’s side of Ole’ Betty. “Officer Presley, no relation, please let her through, she’s a friend of the groom.”
Patrol Officer Presley, no relation, loved that the detectives let him have a bit of his own, nodded, walked over, and moved the barricades out of the way.
Jessie parked on the far side of Red River Street by the intersection of E. 10th Street while the van and the MVOJ parked in front of The Mohawk.
Robbie and Sara were separated and two teams were formed. Team Robbie and Team Sara. Jessie was added to Team Robbie as a guest.
Sinnie and Jenny were assigned to Team Sara, with the detectives hoping neither would discover the young girl’s identity. If they had paid a little more attention they might have caught looks between Jessie and Jenny, but focusing on the task at hand, getting Robbie and Sara married and onto a plane to Zihuatenejo without any collateral damage, was their top priority.
Hans Gruber and The Die Hards were already on the stage for a sound check when the wedding party arrived. The press junket was a huge win for them, but the band was rooting for a little chaos.
They were rehearsing a very “Flash Gordon” Queen-inspired version of “The Wedding March” for the members of the press. It ended up being over 150 members because each had a cameraman and tech, so it was a pretty full house. There were also selected members of law enforcement. About 100 of them, in plain clothes filled out the rest of the crowd watching Hans Gruber and The Die Hards rehearse.
Jessie looked around and wondered why she’d been sent a yellow dress. Then it happened.
The lead singer looked out into the crowd. Right at Jessie.
“I just got a call to play a song for the girl in the yellow dress. Yep, I’m talking to you kid. Friend of the Groom I hear. This is also dedicated to the detectives and their friends who put this whole shindig together, as well as the bride and groom. Not sure how this dude knew we played a Monkee’s song, but I’m happy to sing it for Mama Cass in the yellow dress over there, but it’s from an old dude named Jake.”
Then the band played “Randy Scouse Git”. This is a fun little tune Dolenz wrote about a party the Beatles threw for them.
That got more than a few people’s attention. Elaine and Shirley just shook their heads.
“We are too old for this shit.” -Elaine
“Caca.” -Shirley
“Doo Doo” -Elaine
Really? 1981’s “Caveman”? =j
They were interrupted from finishing that old movie bit when their police radios barked the bride and groom were ready.
Detective Rumack and Norberg walked down the “isle”, aka the stairs to the right of the stage, and up to the band and gave them the signal to begin.
Picking up the megaphone he’d requested, the lead singer made an announcement.
“Ladies and Gentleman, Are you ready?”
No one mustered much.
“HEY ASSHOLES, IT’S TIME TO GET MARRIED OR DIE HARD!”
Then the band launched into “Lunartini” while Robbie walked down the aisle in a suit, martini in one hand, cigarette in another. Jessie walked with him and took her place as his best man in a yellow dress. She’d looked up the song, it was a reference to Mama Cass in the song. Whoever this mystery fan was of her work, they were definitely into deep cuts.
Once in their place, the judge that signed off on all this took his place for the ceremony and the band launched into the wedding march.
Sara came out in a simple summer dress, flats, a crown of daisies, and baby’s breath. The contrast to the song’s current composition was funny to her.
When she got to the stage, she smiled at Robbie and said: “You do look a little like Max von Sydow now that I think of it.” That cracked Jessie up.
The ceremony was simple and bureaucratic, and after Robbie kissed his new (again) bride, the band played the wedding march again as the two of them were escorted out of the venue. Jessie was walking behind Robbie when Jenny Portnoy came up beside her. “Hi, I’m Jenny, get ready. It’s about to go down.”
Jessie just nodded and kept walking.
As the wedding party walked to the van parked in front of The Mohawk, Jessie walked over to the passenger side of Ole’ Betty and returned with an ornate wooden box in her hand. She stopped about 10 feet from the van, noticing Sinne heading towards the MVOJ, and walked towards the driver’s side of Sinnie’s pride and joy.
“This is for you. I’m sorry. I had no choice.” She held out the box and turned to see both Detectives standing there, hands on holsters.
Sinnie took the box, and Jessie clapped her hands. “Let’s get this party started!” Everyone was so caught off guard they didn’t notice Jenny exit the van. She walked over to Ole’ Betty, climbed up in the truck bed, fired a flare gun that must have been set there by Jessie just now, and made a phone call. Then she jumped out of the truck bed and walked into the intersection of Red River and E. 10th.
That’s when they noticed it. It looked like a news helicopter. It sounded like a news helicopter, hell, there was even a “cameraman” taking footage. But the logo wasn’t just any logo. it was the WKRP logo.
“No.” Norberg
“Oh God No…” Rumack
“What the actual fu…” Captain Ed cut himself off as the first frozen turkey fell, crushing Patrol Officer Presley’s, no relation, squad car. Since it was blocking the south barricades it effectively cut off that route. The next turkey hit the Captain’s cruiser, which left only the 2 black vans on the blocked-off portion of Red River St.
Jessie looked at Sinnie. “Don’t move, they won’t hit you, I made him promise!”
Then she ran to the Detective’s van and opened the door.
“You two coming or do you want to fly coach to Zihuatanejo?”
4 ropes fell from the helicopter after the first turkey hit a patrol car.
Everyone just watched, frozen, like the turkeys, as Jessie, Jenny, Robbie, and Sara were winched up and helped into the helicopter by Jake Jones. As the WKRP News chopper gained altitude, Jake looked down upon the detectives and waved, then ducked back inside and looked at his new crew. He looked down at Miss Jackson, her pet carried strapped in and said:
“Are you sure about this, they’re a pretty motley crew.”
Jake handed out headsets to everyone, then looked at Jessie.
“Impressive work, Twisted Metal.”
“Soundtrack!” -Jenny
Jake handed Jenny an iPod that appeared to be plugged into the comms system. Jenny scrolled and scrolled, and then it hit.
The new “not news” crew sang along as the helicopter flew west toward the sunset as the Captain approached the Detectives.
“Well, that figures. Take a look at this. It was what the QR Code led to. It was on a timer. This just showed up. He showed them his tablet.
The image was of the back of a chair, the right arm in the view, stroking a black cat with a screen in front of them. Text began to appear on the screen one character at a time. It was not what anyone expected.
“Wait for it…” said the Captain.
Sinnie walked up to them both. The ornate wooden box Jessie had given her was a puzzle box and she’d opened it. Inside were a pair of handcuffs with a note.
“You’ll be using these on me soon enough, Detectives.”
“Wait for it…” said the Captain. Again.
On the stage at the Mohawk, Hans Gruber and The Die Hards kicked into song as the helicopter faded into the horizon.
Here’s the first draft of The Jukebox of The Diner… =j